I never thought I’d be this dissatisfied with my life and more so myself at this point in my life. The phase of self-discovery and self-actualization that I went through after med school left me in a haze. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was worth something. I felt like I was a phoenix, reborn into a whole new person, the old ashes of myself, of regret and grief and depression finally being shed away. I had made it through the darkest periods of my life and I felt like I was breathing for the first time. As my students and my responsibilities as a teacher overwhelmed me, I saw and palpably felt myself change. I started believing in myself, I saw a purpose to my life and I saw those things being reinforced and the love I gave being returned to me for the very first time in my life. For the first time in my life, I no longer felt the need of a friend, something that I had brooded about for as long as I can remember. I woke up with a smile on my face EVERYDAY.
Then I got married!
Saying that I’ve gone insane would be an understatement. I have no clue how I spend every day. I am totally unaware how day fades into night and then the sun rises the next morning as I grudgingly force myself out of bed and start my routine. I have always been a person of routine, lists and organization. I’ve mostly been in control of the responsibilities on my shoulders, but I start to lose it when I don’t have time to myself – and here’s the flaw of my introvert personality. And yes, I accept and say that being an introvert and craving personal space and ‘me-time’ is a personality flaw. The suffocating feeling that encompasses me every time my husband enters the house is quite familiar to me – I had this sinking, dying feeling all through med school. It made me feel that everybody owns me except for myself. And it’s the worst feeling when everybody controls my life but me.
And just like my single life when every decision regarding my life was made by my father, my married life is no different. My head starts buzzing even before I’m fully awake; almost every day without fail, I wake up with a throbbing headache, which is a constant reminder that my life and my body are not mine. I was born to serve others. My life is a slave to others whims and fancies. I’m constantly in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing that might upset any of the highly sensitive and dispassionate people in my life.
I have this constant urge to burst out with all that is going on in my head. Having a highly intellectual and awkward and weird brain that is not easily satisfied with the useless ramblings and the senseless and pointless small talk of others, is also no less than a curse. I want to talk about art and movies and opinions and ideas and politics and the possibilities of the future. I want to use the big words that are always at the tip of my tongue but I can’t as they are simply beyond everyone’s comprehension. I want to flaunt the unique accent that I have and correct everyone’s incorrect grammar and severely mispronounced words. I WANT TO READ AND WRITE AND DRINK COFFEE AND HAVE DOUGHNUTS AND FRIES.
I cringe at the thought that I haven’t read a book in over five months. That’s how useless and crazy busy and no-room-to-breathe my life has become. Constantly soothing someone’s blown-up ego and elevating their easily bruised pride and keeping my own cool when someone eats my piece of the scrumptious chocolate cake (literally) is NOT EASY.
I feel my real self drifting away from myself. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I want to scream at people and tell them how illogical and crazy and stupid and irrational they are. But I can’t.
So basically, the life in med school that I had crawled out from, is back to haunt me. And the kicker is that it’s ten times worse on my own highly introverted and sensitive characteristics as this time I don’t have time to drown myself in music and books – because this time I have this overgrown child constantly ruining my life aka my husband!